Every couple is unique. Sometimes we see couples who are so different each other, in a lot of ways, could survive in their marriage to last. But, many couples, as we look them as perfect couples fail in their marriage. Ironically, some of them have known their couple for many years before they settled down, but only stay in marriage life for short time. We as other people, could only wonder and ask question “how can one couple success, while others who we see as a perfect one fail?”
It is the same question I have when someone I know got divorced because her husband wanted to. She is a young lady who has a good job, a good personality, good looking and independent. She grew up as a strong person, independent as she almost can do anything by herself. Attractive not only physically but also spiritually. But, what we can do as a woman when our man started to cheat, not only with one woman, then said that he was not happy with the life he shared with, and wanted to end the marriage? Should we insist to keep the marriage on? Try to convince with all kind of possible reasons that could make him changing his mind? Is there any guarantee that he will not cheat again, if he agrees to not end the marriage? When a man changes his heart and decides to go, what else can we do, except to let him go? The years that have gone, so wasted. Thought that we knew the person who lived with us for many years. Thought that he would truly love us, care for us and never hurt us. How could we anticipate for people who change their heart? We can not control how people feel about us. When love is gone, it is only that person himself/herself who can make it to come back, if he/she wants to. Still, to be cheated on is a painful and heartbreaking. Got divorced is giving you traumatic experience and may change the way you think about other people. But, when it has to happen, there is nothing else we can do, but accept it. Let the painful experience be the most valuable lesson in this life. Let that grief makes you stronger, to prepare the better life to come, as I do believe that it will come eventually.
Note: “dedicated to my dearest friend and all women and men who are facing the same experience as above story”.
Why do people get married? Most people say because they fall in love, or other may say to settle down and build the family. Whatever reason they have, once they decide to get married, it will need a lot more things than falling in love to make a successful marriage life.
People say it is easy to fall in love. That is why there are some people once ever say “I fall in love at the first sight” and that could be true. It gives sort of illustrations how people can fall in love so easily. When people fall in love, they tend to be blind, they could not see other’s flaws/imperfectness. Every thing looks so perfect for them that they could not imagine if it perceives them, or it is only on their imagination. But, once they get married, they live in the real world. They will interact with each other for 24 hours, 7 days. After days, weeks, months …at the latest in two years, they eventually discover the real person of the one who once they dreamt of to sleep next to them every day. They finally see the real things, see their flaws, the weakness, the imperfectness that were looked so perfect. They can hide nothing.
When they come to that point, they face for what the real marriage life’s meaning. Some may question themselves if they were really falling in love, or if they really had a good reason to live forever with their couple. Live forever with one person….forever means until one of them is no longer living. They wonder if they were really in good state of mind when did the vow and committed to the words as “till death do us a part”, find themselves doubting their own feeling for that person. It will feel like self-awakening that could bring the marriage life either to the next level of stronger relationship or back to “zero point”.
At that time, the only way to make the marriage life last if they could start to build the love again. And have to work on it every single day and never give up. The work that is the hardest part of marriage life. Could they still have the love when they are angry to that person? Could they forgive and still have same feeling after big fighting, or maybe worse..infidelity? That is real thing about marriage.
Looking for life partner can be started by falling in love, but long way after that, the biggest part in making the marriage life last forever is building the love and maintain it, working on it day by day, till the time as they promised to each other before “death do us a part”.
When it comes to single women over 40, there are a lot of stories to dig behind the reasons why they are still single.
Story number one. She met her love of life when she was in college. They were both in love that much that they then went to her parents to ask permission to get married after finishing the school. Her parents seemed reluctant to give a bless since the man did not have same faith/religion nor race, but they asked them to finish the school first, then had a discussion about that later. After college, she and her man got a good job, then came to her parents again for their marriage plan. At that moment, her parents could not hide the real reason and refused to bless them. She was shocked, sad and heartbroken. She was never anticipated this coming. She thought that all were fine as her parents have known this man quite long time. But, she had no courage to disobey her parents. She still kept the relationship with him afterwards, as they both still loved each other. By time, he started to loose faith in their relationship and they decided to go to their own way. A few years later he got married with other woman, she’s still single. In several years, he has got 2 children from her marriage, she’s still single. And she remains single in her mid of 50’s at this moment. Changing heart is not as easy as people says, she admits it.
Story number two. When she was in early 25’s, someone proposed to her. They were closed friend and she tried to build more feeling for him. But, she could not fall in love with him, no matter how hard she tried. Therefor, she told him that she could not marry him. Many years later, he has found another woman to be married with. She is still single at her late 40’s. Some people said that women should not refused any marriage proposal that came to her or she would be get difficulty to find a man to marry later. They said before giving a marriage proposal to woman, man generally has assured that they both had something special between them. The proposal is only a way to validate their relationship. I understand that this opinion is still believed by certain society, although I find this statement is absurd. Marriage is about living with one person for your whole life. There is a reason the words “till death do us part” being used when people get married. If you are not sure whether you will be able to live with that person until your end of life, that is a good enough to not having the marriage. Life is hard enough to be spent with anyone whom you don’t want to be with. Don’t you think so?
How do you recognize love? Is it in the never ending text messaging? In the long conversations that never bored you? In the many hours of sleeps that you have lost by overthinking about someone? In the lust and desire that give you a new meaning of the word “addiction”? In the constant thought about someone that always gives you a sweet distraction and brings warmth in your heart and smile on your face inadvertently?