Tag Archive | cheating

When the heart changes

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Every couple is unique. Sometimes we see couples who are so different each other, in a lot of ways, could survive in their marriage to last.  But, many couples, as we look them as perfect couples fail in their marriage. Ironically, some of them have known their couple for many years before they settled down, but only stay in marriage life for short time. We as other people, could only wonder and ask question “how can one couple success, while others who we see as a perfect one fail?”

It is the same question I have when someone I know got divorced because her husband wanted to. She is a young lady who has a good job, a good personality, good looking and independent. She grew up as a strong person, independent as she almost can do anything by herself. Attractive not only physically but also spiritually. But, what we can do as a woman when our man started to cheat, not only with one woman, then said that he was not happy with the life he shared with, and wanted to end the marriage? Should we insist to keep the marriage on? Try to convince with all kind of possible reasons that could make him changing his mind? Is there any guarantee that he will not cheat again, if he agrees to not end the marriage? When a man changes his heart and decides to go, what else can we do, except to let him go? The years that have gone, so wasted. Thought that we knew the person who lived with us for many years. Thought that he would truly love us, care for us and never hurt us. How could we anticipate for people who change their heart? We can not control how people feel about us. When love is gone, it is only that person himself/herself who can make it to come back, if he/she wants to. Still, to be cheated on is a painful and heartbreaking. Got divorced is giving you traumatic experience and may change the way you think about other people. But, when it has to happen, there is nothing else we can do, but accept it. Let the painful experience be the most valuable lesson in this life. Let that grief makes you stronger, to prepare the better life to come, as I do believe that it will come eventually.

Note: “dedicated to my dearest friend and all women and men who are facing the same experience as above story”.

 

 

What have the past taught you?

 

I have been asked why I write about cheating, unfaithful relationship or other related issues on the blog. Well …. I am not an expert, in term of relationship professional therapist, nor an expert by experiences. But, there were things that inspired me to write about this.

It was one time, very long time ago when unpleasant experience happened to me. A lady was mistakenly accused me as another woman of her husband. Even though, she finally realized that she made mistake, but she has said many terrible things. The words that made me questioning not only my attitude and manner, but also my perspective about a lot of things, the way I did my job, the way I said, the way I acted, the way I dressed, the way I did make up, etc. That experience made me sad for months. Oddly, I didn’t blame her as I knew she was right about her husband, eventually. I could understand her behavior. In the end, I made peace with myself and told that I was just in the wrong place and time. Still, I always remember of the day she called me furiously, asked a lot of questions which I even didn’t know how to answer because I didn’t feel nor do whatever she accused of. In the entire of my life, I never felt so confused about anything, so much like puzzle that I couldn’t response but crying. I was so naive that I didn’t have any clue about the matter she was furious about at first. A few strange words at the end of her rage call made me to think that she would probably just have learnt about her husband’s infidelity and thought that I was his other woman. That happened in 2000, and I could only share about that experience lately.

Then, there is this thing. I know many people who have been cheated on and suffer by that. Some people do whatever it takes to keep the relationship. It doesn’t matter if it means that they have to beg, close their eyes for their partners’ unfaithful acts that displayed intentionally, be patient for all the heartless words they receive, and many more painful situations. While I admire of their big heart, I also feel sorry that they allow themselves to be in that position. But, who am I to judge other people’s decision? Some people decide to finally leave that broken relationship as they realize that it can no longer be fixed. Whatever decisions they make, being cheated on is heartbreaking.

Many people say that we can’t control with whom we fall in love, but love doesn’t mean that you have to destroy others’ relationship. Love doesn’t mean that you can hurt other people feeling. Do you want to be happy over someone else’s misery? What do you feel if that turn to you one day? That’s what they called a “Karma”.

Painful Realities as Another Woman

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I always believe that all people have good side in their heart. I believe when women say they never plan to be another woman. I believe when they say they’re trapped in the situation which they never meant to be in it intentionally. They have fallen so hard that they can’t imagine to live without him, even if it’s only his spare time. And many more unplanned or unintended reasons to validate her situation as another woman. But, life is about making choices and we own the power to take where our life goes to.

In term of that, to another women, or any woman who will become another woman unintentionally or by choice, this is not to judge about your decision, but these are some facts to remember as another woman:

You will be kept hidden.  Being another woman means you always be his “dirty little secret”. Secret rendezvous, stolen text messages/email and other conditions that you have to follow to keep the relationship under wraps. You will never go out on dates in public. It doesn’t matter how great he is as a lover and how beautiful his words when you are both within closed doors, but when you are in public, you will be treated as strangers.

You have to deal with society’s judgment. As another woman, you will have to deal with the stigma of society. They will blame the other woman as “home wrecker”, “sl*t”, etc. It doesn’t matter how and why the affair happened, or who starts it first, the other woman always be the one who got blamed.

You always be alone. Being in a secret relationship means you can’t claim him as your couple. To public you are single. You go anywhere alone, you do things alone.

You have to play the “waiting game”. As another woman you will never be able to initiate things, you can’t call him any time you want, you can’t plan when to meet him. You will always have to wait for him to spare his time for you. You live on “stolen moments” or “borrowed time” which are only available upon his free time or his agreement.

You become the “meantime girl”. Being another woman means you will never be a primary, you always only be an option. There’s never talk about future where you in it.

You have an expiration date. This is perhaps the most frightening about being the other woman. The entire affair could end as abruptly as it started. This means you probably even won’t have any closure, at all. This would make the situation even more painful since you cannot even go back to how it was before, especially if you have already fallen for him. The broken heart, feeling been used, worthless …. they will not be easy to heal soon and affect your future life.

With all these possibilities of life damages that will consume your entirely emotions, why do you still want to put up with any of it? It’s very rare possibility that another woman become the priority/the first woman. Even when that happens, how can you be sure that he will not cheat on you one day?

Cheating

 

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That’s one of the scariest words for any couple. No one would want to get into that situation. Relationship really needs big effort to make it works. It doesn’t matter how long the relationship is… needs two parties to tango in harmony..all the time. In every relationship, there is always one person who loves less or more. That is normal, it will still work well if they both intend to make it works.

But, what if one of them is then being dishonest and cheat? There is always a reason to find for a people who cheats. And in any circumstances, the one who will be blamed is the other woman/man. He/she will be bullied/blamed for getting into someone’s relationship. People would less care to know who started it first and how, but only to see that someone’s relationship has broken because of her/him.

If the cheating one is then “awake” and back to his/her partner, their relationship would never be the same again. It’s hard to fix a broken heart..people say. If in the case, the couple breaks up and the cheating one leaves for the other woman/man, people will always put a mark on the other woman/man as a bad person. And one thing to think of… Is there any guarantee that the cheating one will not cheat again?

Something to always put in mind before getting into someone’s relationship.